Lilie James’ ex-boyfriend attempted to control, manipulate and gaslight her before murder, experts say

Paul Thijssen attempted to control, manipulate and gaslight Lilie James as she tried to leave their short relationship in the days before he murdered her with a hammer, a coronial inquest into their deaths has heard. James’s body was found with serious head injuries in a gymnasium bathroom in October 2023 at St Andrew’s Cathedral school, where she worked as a water polo coach. Police immediately began a search for 23-year-old Thijssen, who worked at the school as a sports coach and after-hours coordinator. His body was found in the ocean below cliffs in Sydney’s eastern suburbs days later. Sign up for Guardian Australia’s breaking news email The court had previously heard that Thijssen stalked James and meticulously planned her murder after tensions between the two escalated amid the breakdown of their short casual relationship. In its third day, the inquest heard from the director of the Monash Gender and Family Violence Prevention Centre, Kate Fitz-Gibbon, and the manager of the NSW domestic violence death review team, Anna Butler, who both were certain that Thijssen had exercised coercive control over James. “She was trying to set boundaries in terms of the relationship, and was trying to extricate herself from the relationship,” Butler said. “And he partook in behaviours that denied her autonomy and agency in attempting to leave. He utilised manipulative and emotionally abusive tactics to erase her sense of self. He gaslit her and used derogatory language as she attempted to push back against his control.” Butler referenced behaviour such as the seven instances of physical stalking in the days before James was killed, as well as footage of Thijssen aggressively arguing with her on school grounds. Fitz-Gibbon said Thijssen’s digital stalking, which included tracking James’s location via apps such as Snapchat, was an example of “technology-facilitated abuse”. “Monitoring through a range of different platforms, including different social media products, is well recognised as a form of digital coercive control,” she said. Fitz-Gibbon suggested Thijssen’s loss of “control over many aspects of his life” was a likely “trigger point” – “where a perpetrator moves from beyond managing and trying to obtain or retain control within a relationship, and moves to that post separation escalation”. She pointed to the exposure of a fake Snapchat account created by Thijssen in the days before James’s murder as a key moment. Thijssen created the account in the name of an acquaintance he was flirting with, outside of his relationship with James. The account was uncovered by James and a friend, and put to Thijssen, who falsely claimed that the acquaintance had created the account to stalk him. “He moves to a stage where he has lost control of so many aspects of his life. And we see that around the lies, around education. We see that around the visa challenges that he is facing, around the Snapchat account that he sets up and has discovered,” Fitz-Gibbon told the inquest. “Humiliation is a particularly challenging emotion for someone who is trying to control the aspects of their lives to face.” The court had previously heard there could have been several stressors in Thijssen’s life in the lead-up to the deaths, including the state of his work visa. Thijssen was raised in the Netherlands and had initially come to Australia with his parents between 2015 and 2017. He became sports captain and prefect at St Andrew’s. He had returned several times to Australia before the attack. The court also heard earlier in the week that when another former girlfriend attempted to break things off with Thijssen, he had stalked and intimidated her, hacked into her Snapchat account and punched a tree above her head. The inquest will hear statements from James’s family before it ends on Thursday. The eSafety commissioner, Julie Inman Grant, is also due to give evidence about the role of technology in relationships, particularly those involving young adults. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14 and the national family violence counselling service is on 1800 737 732. Other international helplines can be found via www.befrienders.org